Friday, June 29, 2012

Speed Bump

Julie is not doing as well as she has been. Her O2 sats are down from the high 90's to the low 90's and even the upper 80's. This has occurred just over the past 2 weeks and we suspect its either from a spider bite on her hand, or a virus she got from the boys. Interestingly enough, I'm posting when I am apprehensive about Julie's future. It seems to be that way; every time things get questionable, I post on the blog. Its sort of therapeutic, especially since I can see how many are concerned for her welfare.

We have been so busy with life; trips, golf, soccer games, hiking, my career, Julie's zumba class, swimming etc. Life, for a time has seemed to go on, and it has been wonderful. My only hope and prayer is that my intuition about Julie is still correct. I am reminded of a talk by Jeffery R Holland on hope; "If it was right when you prayed about it, it is right now."  Ironically I am glad we go through this type of thing in life. It keeps me grounded, remembering what is most important, and ultimately drawing Julie and I to God. He is what brings peace and direction in times of trial. Almost instantly, endeavors like staying fit, making and saving more money, or making that next improvement to our home take a far back seat in our minds. Spending even more time together comes back to the front and I wonder how it settled behind anything.

The psychological drain this puts on Julie is enough to make your stomach turn. All the hopes and dreams she has as a mother and a woman come into question. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster she has been on over the past decade. She rarely cries, only when she is scared, and that was Wednesday morning as she dropped me off at the airport for work and headed to the U for testing. It is brutal that I couldn't be up there with her this time, but that is life isn't it? I will keep you posted.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Unconditional Love ONE YEAR POST

One year ago tonight, Julie got the call.  We spent the evening tonight looking at our photos on a slideshow on our TV.  I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love for my entire family.  I was expressing to Julie that this feeling is a common thread among people.  We all have deep indescribable love for our children and those who show us love almost innately, including our parents siblings and close friends.  It is the only way I can somewhat comprehend the love of our Savior and our Heavenly Father for us.   

It was about this time (10:30) of night that they rolled her to the ER floor where we waited for a never ending but quickly passing hour.  It went by so quickly, but while we waited there and took those possibly last pictures together, the time seemed to stretch; like a Saturday when you have no responsibilities, or Christmas as a child.  Later that evening while waiting for our first call around 2:00 am, I wrote a post to my twins: To my twin boys:
It was a letter to them about their mother with a hope for a future with her.  As I wrote it I remember becoming a little emotional thinking about the possibility of them not knowing her and her love for them.  It was one of the only times I looked away from what I felt so strongly was to come; the bright future of new experiences we have only begun to experience with them now. 

This past year has not only flown by, but it has been rich with experiences and joy with our children and our family.  As we watched pictures come up randomly from the past decade it struck me how quickly life changes.  Some of the hardest times of our life however are sometimes the richest.  Living life through trials with your head up as Julie has, helped us enjoy it.  We experienced a lot in those first 4 years of marriage.  Julie made a point to try and lead her life as if she wasn't sick.  We took out the time and effort to get out of town, even if it was just a small trip.  For one, getting all the equipment in order was always a juggle, but the pictures reminded me of the bliss we had in spite of the hardships of CF.  We looked so happy and at peace.  There is no doubt in my mind that we were carried through those times by family from the other side.  There were distinct experiences that suggested that specific people from our past were near us.  Just to know they were there was enough to move forward.

As I reflect on what we were going through last year, I remember the outpouring of love, prayers, and fasting that was given in Julie's behalf.  I feel like I am indebted to humankind forever for the support that helped us realize insurmountable results.  I want so badly to pass it on and lift others to know and see what can be accomplished in their lives.  Conversely I think about the family who lost someone a year ago and am pained to think that they lost their loved one to an unexpected tragedy.  My love for my children is so deep that I weep when thinking of losing them as a Father and Mother did a year ago.  There are many people who are both infirm and healthy who hope for a better future but aren't afforded one.  The family members of those people suffer in a way I do not yet know.  My hope is that they can remember the sweet times of tenderness with that person; whether it was at birth, 4 days before death, or somewhere between.  As I watched my own married life through pictures tonight, I realized how great life has been; I saw the love in my eyes I have for Julie and vice versa.  I am going to bed tonight feeling fulfilled and content with what the Lord has blessed me with.  May God be with the family who lost their loved one last year by helping them remember the blissful times.  The fact that this individual most likely made the decision to be a donor without taking much thought to what it could do for several families is evidence alone that there is a higher power out there.  He or She has extended and enriched my life and Julies life beyond what we ever dreamed of but always hoped for.  Thank you.

We are looking forward to another great year; Julie pushing me beyond my limits and watching Ben and Jack learn and grow...and use the toilet already!